maanantai 21. lokakuuta 2013

feeling weak. how long?

I want to tell you something.

I feel totally powerless and I can't help it. I have lost my joy of life but that doesn't mean I'm about to kill myself. Just want to talk the feeling out.
I was wondering if this feeling comes from higher power. My Father wants to tell me I'm nothing without him. I feel weak, so weak. I haven't lost my faith, only the way of life He wants me to live like. I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'll wait till Wednesday. Stress and worry have surrounded me and I can't get out without my Father. Please, be nice and pray for me. Close your eyes and just think of me. That's enough.

Last night I cried. I cried for my lost of joy, the true joy that only comes from God. Where did that lovely joyful girl go who I used to be? Where did the trust go? The love? I feel meaningless without the joy. I got nothing to be happy about if I don't have that amazing feeling.

Being powerless means you have no energy to do things. Even the dishes are hard to take care of. I have a boyfriend but I'm not sure if he understands. My allergy has taken the charge. And besides being lost in faith it's my weakness too. 

After over 10 years of being allergic to food ingredients it made me fragile. I wanted so hard to be normal girl who could eat everything she wanted. No. Once I even didn't get a birthday invite because that girl didn't know what I was allowed to eat. I have no hard feelings for that but it's a great example. During the times pass, I denied my allergy. I told myself I was healthy again but for nothing. Now, school and my family troubles have brought the allergy back even worse. Every time I stress something, it appears on my face. That annoys me. I want to feel pretty but I can't if that awful feeling doesn't go away. This is the way God is guiding me. Don't know the purpose but I'm sure about it. 

Sorry for this sad text. I wanted to talk to someone.
Blog never stops listening.


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